New Zealand’s semi-official poet laureate Victor Billot pens topical verse every Sunday. Today: David Wong-Tung, businessman and partner of National leader Judith Collins

The Meanest Dude in Year Nine

I’m Dave Wong-Tung. Aged fourteen.

I can’t spell very well but I can share memes.

Here’s one of the Head Girl looking ugly.

Ha ha ha, I laugh loudly, o ho ho hee hee.

I’m the meanest dude in Year Nine.

That dude who always ends up doing just fine.

My girlfriend is the meanest chick in the year.

Watch them all scatter before us in fear.

I’ve found it helps if you play in the First Fifteen,

if you are into being mean, mean, mean, mean.

Probably when I get older, I’ll be a cop.

Until then I’ll annoy you at the school hop.

When they ask me, could you wear a mask?

I flip the bird and reply, bro did I ask?

I lurk in the corridors and trip up nerds.

I drift with the flow. I move with the herd.

When the Head Girl begs please be kind!

I just laugh loudly: I’m the meanest dude in Year Nine.

Victor Billot has previously been moved to write odes for such New Zealand luminaries as Garrick Tremain, Todd Muller, David Clark, James Shaw and Gerry Brownlee.

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