New Zealand’s semi-official poet laureate Victor Billot pens topical verse every Sunday. Today: Stuart Nash

Code Brown

Tourism Minister Stuart Nash says he will ban hiring vans that are not self-contained to tourists, as he urges a focus on attracting high-spending visitors – news report

You might see me very soon, sitting close on your behind.

Approaching in your rear view mirror, down State Highway 99.

A flash of yellow lights. A siren that goes paaarrrrrp-parp!

I pull you over and bustle up. I talk to you quite sharp.

Code Brown! Inspector Gnash is on your case.

May I inspect your vehicle for all forms of waste?

You claim you were caught short, with no other way?

Rubbish. There’s a spot down south in Oamaru in just 300 K.

I’m upset about young folks polluting all our lovely streams.

That is the prerogative of ten million cows producing cream.

I’m dealing to the “Pee” crisis of these modern days.

Next time, bring your private Lear jet with in-flight bidet.

The super wealthy are welcome. I hear they shit gold bricks.

Go to the front of the portaloo queue, all you rich pricks!

It’s user pays 2020 in Godzone’s big WC.

Gone are the days of free pooping with state subsidies.

I wonder what Grand Grandad Walter would make of this crazy show?

Saving the ass of the capitalist class is a whole new low.

Victor Billot has previously been moved to write odes for such luminaries as Garrick Tremain, Todd Muller, David Clark, James Shaw, Jacinda Ardern and Jami-Lee Ross.

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