Ire and fury over Straya’s fastest-growing exports as NZ and Australia’s relationship takes a turn for the worse and other ‘lamblastings’ of the week, courtesy of James Elliott
The whys, wheres and wherefores of reimposed lockdown rules weren’t the only things baffling us this week.
There was also a degree of bafflement over the news headline ‘Ardern Blasts ScoMo Over Terrorist Bride’. ScoMo is the commonly used abbreviation for Strayaian PM Scott Morrison. As we know, Strayaians defo love their abbreviations, from the name of their own country, Straya, to Trevor Chappell’s abbreviated underarm bowling action (yes, we’re still not over that), to the dessert they stole from us, the pav.
‘Terrorist Bride’ refers to a suspected ISIS terrorist with, until recently, dual New Zealand-Strayaian citizenship who, together with her two children, is currently detained in Turkey. JacAr’s blasting of ScoMo was in response to learning that Straya had carried out the ultimate abbreviation of the woman’s Strayaian citizenship rights by revoking them altogether, thereby dumping the issue on our doorstep.
JacAr’s blasting of ScoMo has to be seen in a broader context. Before we started blasting Straya we were lashing Straya for their deportation of New Zealand-born individuals who have committed a crime in Straya, irrespective of how long they have lived there. In fact, with Strayaian exports of coal, wine and lobster being banned by China, the deportation of New Zealand-born criminals is fast becoming one of Straya’s most significant exports.
One news outlet went as far as reporting that JacAr had lambasted ScoMo, lambasted being the more New Zealand-centric expression for blasted, and lamblasted being the even more New Zealand-centric expression.
With Strayaian exports of coal, wine and lobster being banned by China, the deportation of New Zealand-born criminals is fast becoming one of Straya’s most significant exports.
For his part, ScoMo saw an opportunity to both hit back at JacAr and articulate his own job description as if he was talking to a Year 7 class on ‘Bring Your Dad To School’ day. He started with “My job is Straya’s interests”. He then reinforced that with “That’s my job”. And then he wrapped it up with “It’s my job as the Strayaian Prime Minister to put Straya’s national security interests first”.
Having fired their respective public salvos (meaning the metaphorical discharge of artillery, not members of the Strayaian Salvation Army) the two leaders spoke by phone on Tuesday evening. JacAr described the call with ScoMo as “constructive”, which could mean a lot of things, none of them likely to be “constructive”.
JacAr then advised that we’re going to keep working with Straya on the issue “in the spirit of the relationship”, whatever that means. What it probably means is that they called in one of the counsellors from that other notable Strayaian export ‘Married At First Sight Straya’ to mediate the phone call. No doubt their advice would have been to say something noncommittal and vanilla so that we tune in for the next episode. If so, it appears that advice was followed to the letter.
As to that next episode, JacAr underscored just how serious this issue is to New Zealand. She didn’t just say that we take our national security interests seriously, nor indeed very seriously but rather “very, very seriously”.
It seems about 50 protesters who congregated outside Ardern’s Mt Albert electorate office on Monday were primarily anti-lockdown protesters, but were reported as appearing to protest about a range of topics, the uncertainty being put down to some horrendous spelling on some of their placards.
JacAr vs ScoMo wasn’t the only blasting of the week. About 50 protesters who congregated outside JacAr’s Mt Albert electorate office on Monday were reported to have been blasted with death metal music by nearby neighbours. It seems they were primarily anti-lockdown protesters but were reported as appearing to protest about a range of topics, the uncertainty being put down to some horrendous spelling on some of their placards.
Later there was also uncertainty as to whether it was in fact death metal music that was being blasted at these protesters. On deeper investigation it turns out that it could have been Thrash Metal, or Power Metal, or Speed Metal, or Doom Metal, or Nu Metal, or Sludge Metal, or my favourite of the Metal sub-genres, Melodic Death Metal. “What is Melodic Death Metal?” is a question very few people have ever asked. In fact, Melodic Death Metal is a relatively non-contagious Metal variant, made up of mutated strains from Death Metal, Traditional Metal, New Wave British Heavy Metal, Thrash Metal, Black Metal, Power Metal, Gothic Metal, Prog and other sub-genres. Vaccination-strength immunity against Melodic Death Metal can be acquired by a single dose of listening to The Breeze FM.
But for those who are interested, “Which Melodic Death Metal band do you recommend I listen to?” is also a question very few people have ever asked. But having posed the question, you should probably start with the Swedish band ‘Dark Tranquility’. There’s a simple chorus in ‘Lost to Apathy’ from their 2004 EP of the same name that speaks to the times we’re living in:
“These eyes will never see
Covered up from reality.”
“Have a peaceful weekend.”