Jacinda sipped blood on her ‘flit’ to Auckland and a selection of Bravehearts came together with their nonsensical signs. This week was a bad sequel to an American movie – featuring Barry Soper.
Movie sequels are almost always disappointing. A case in point was Tuesday’s very disappointing flashmob sequel to Braveheart. Set in modern-day Wellington, Braveheart 2 – The Battle of the Placards featured a sizeable crowd brandishing dozens of occasionally literate placards at the beating heart of our democracy, the steps of our Parliament.
Playing the role of William Wallace but without a horse and blue facepaint, some guy with a loud hailer tried to kickstart the crowd chant with the traditional rallying cry – “What do we want?” That was when things went sideways. It turns out that “What do we want?” wasn’t the conventional prompt for a pre-determined crowd chorus reply, it was a genuine question, to which there was no clear answer. Were they anti-lockdown, and/or anti-vaxx or just anti-facts? Herald columnist Shane Te Pou summed it up crisply observing that “the utter incoherence of it all was jarring”. But then of course he would say that, he’s in the pocket of Big Jar.
I wanted to know why one guy turned up with a Trump MAGA flag. That makes as much sense as going to an All Blacks vs Wallabies test match and cheering for the Springboks.
To answer the loud hailer cheerleader, there were at least some things that I knew I wanted. I wanted to know why one guy turned up with a Trump MAGA flag. That makes as much sense as going to an All Blacks vs Wallabies test match and cheering for the Springboks. I wanted to know if he was related to the guy with the placard reading “Let’s Go Brandon” which is a NASCAR-derived meme insult directed at Joe Biden and which makes as much sense as going to an All Blacks vs Wallabies test match and cheering for the NASCAR driver Bubba Wallace.
I also wanted to know why Jacinda Ardern was allegedly arrested in the United States in 2019 and has been wearing an electronic monitoring bracelet ever since. And I wanted to know if that had anything to do with her not only trafficking children but also drinking their blood, allegedly. And if you want to know whether these bracelet and blood allegations featured in Braveheart 2, they did. You can fact-check the video on Stuff chief political reporter Henry Cooke’s Twitter feed – @henrycooke.
To the extent that there was any consistency in the cardboard cacophony, it was the rallying cry for “Freedom” echoing down through the centuries from William Wallace’s defeat of the English at the Battle of Falkirk in 1298. But freedom from what or freedom to do what? That’s the question, but as the credits rolled on Tuesday’s premiere I was none the wiser except for noting that there are quite a few people who take the “free” part of “freedom” far too literally.
“Why did Ardern bother flitting in and out of Auckland?” he thundered. If you’re unfamiliar with the term “flitting” it’s what female politicians do while their male counterparts are flying.
On Wednesday, the Prime Minister, who had been heavily criticised for not visiting Auckland during the current lockdown, was heavily criticised for visiting Auckland during the current lockdown. Most of the heaving lifting for that criticism was done by Newstalk ZB’s political editor Barry Soper who was about as grumpy as a Gold Card-carrying man who couldn’t get a clear answer at Monday’s press conference as to the availability of toilet facilities when dining al fresco under lockdown can get.
“Why did Ardern bother flitting in and out of Auckland?” he thundered. If you’re unfamiliar with the term “flitting” it’s what female politicians do while their male counterparts are flying. And in this case Barry reckoned the PM shouldn’t have been flitting at all because “the carbon footprint of the whistlestop trip would surely have sent shudders through the COP26 climate change talkfest in Glasgow”. I think it’s a safe bet that there were no such shudders at COP26 as opposed to the shudders you get when you’re a Gold Card-carrying man who can’t get a clear answer as to the availability of toilet facilities when you’re dining al fresco under lockdown. Barry went on to observe that the PM “seems clearly paranoid about catching Covid”. If you’re unfamiliar with the term “clearly paranoid about catching Covid” it’s what you and I would describe as “rightfully concerned about catching Covid”. In any event, having noted the PM’s apparent clear paranoia Barry went to on query why the PM wore a mask indoors, a query that in that context makes as much sense as turning up to the set of Braveheart 2 with a Let’s Go Brandon placard.
At least a week of division, grumpiness and al fresco uncertainty ended on a positive note when it was announced that the AstraZeneca vaccine will soon be available for those who are either reluctant or unable to have the Pfizer vaccine. So, just a PSA reminder as to the difference between those two vaccines – the Pfizer vaccine will recode your DNA and turn you into a child-trafficking zombie controlled by Bill Gates whereas the AstraZeneca vaccine will also recode your DNA and turn you into a child-trafficking zombie, but you’ll be controlled by Jeff Bezos.
Have a peaceful weekend.