Opinion: The election campaign has had few real sparks so far. That may be no surprise given the Prime Minister insists it has not started yet. He may even believe the race has not started until he says it has, but the people he sees up the track ahead of him are certainly acting as if it has. Very generous to give them a head start.

One of the early revelations has been of David Seymour as a stand-up comedian. His “joke” about Guy Fawkes blowing up the Ministry for Pacific Peoples did not go down well, but he bravely fronted up again with another quip about Nelson Mandela voting for Act. Fewer took this joke seriously than his first one, so maybe his delivery is improving.

Act’s David Seymour promises to ‘dial up the brew’
Seymour takes aim at those not debating serious policy

I have been working on some more material for him in similar formats.

Hey, David, what about this? “If Roger Douglas were alive today he would not vote for Act.” (Damn, that one is already taken.)

How about “If Michael Joseph Savage were alive today he would not vote for Labour”. (Yeah, I know, that is probably just true, and tragedy rather than comedy.)

On the subject of what used to be the Labour Party: “If David Lange were alive today he would trust me like he did Roger.” (Once bitten, twice shy surely? I do recall Lange saying that Roger was transparent rather than secretive, it was just that his plans were so incredible no one believed them till they happened. A political sucker punch. So maybe you should just leave Roger out of it).

Or: “If Mother Teresa were alive today she would vote Act – after all she was my mother.” (Some credibility issues with this but I guess Mary pulled the virgin birth thing off.)

Ok, then: “If Jesus were alive today he would not vote for Destiny.” (Fair point, though “Bishop” Brian Tamaki may think he is alive. Also, given that you plan to abolish bikie gangs probably best not to draw attention to them.)

“If Rob Muldoon were alive today he would be voting for NZ First.” (Yeah, but maybe Winston Peters is just Muldoon reincarnated so it doesn’t count. Either that or he shares genes with Keith Richards.)

“I would like to send Christopher Luxon to the Houses of Parliament as Opposition Leader to see if he can mess up the job like Guy Fawkes did.” (Maybe a bit harsh for your junior partner after the election? Also, he is doing that already.)

“If my tipuna were alive today they would be voting Te Pāti Māori.” (Hang on, these are supposed to be jokes.)

“If Governor Hobson were alive today, he would be suing Don Brash for misrepresentation.” (Yes, though Brash was a Governor too – of the Reserve Bank. A dry Adrian Orr on steroids. No, you probably do not want to abolish the Reserve Bank, David. It has lost billions of dollars but it largely went to banks and big investors so it’s okay.)

“If Papatūānuku had a vote, she would be voting for the Greens.” (Yes, women do have the vote, David. And yes, it is a Māori name but she was here first, like for ever.)

“If Groucho Marx were alive today he would be leading Act.” (Great, I’ll use that, thanks. Was he Karl’s brother?)

No problem, David, there is endless material here. But you are playing with real people’s lives.

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