MONDAY
Fast-Track Jones stood in the shade beneath an awning of a train station and waited for the 3:10 to Blackball.
He narrowed his eyes and studied the view. A water tower. A windmill. A cattle fence. All else was empty land.
Locomotive smoke rose over the horizon. The 3:10 to Blackball was arriving. Fast-Track Jones was expecting company.
He lit a cheroot, and bit down on it hard. The train pulled into the station with a wheeze and a final cloud of smoke. Through the steam, three figures could be seen disembarking. They slid open a carriage door, and brought down three horses. They wore fancy city clothes. Fast-Track Jones spat on the ground.
The three men approached on horseback. Fast-Track Jones dropped his hands at the side of his hips, and his fingers twitched beside his leather holsters.
He took a long draw on his cheroot, and said, “Did you bring a horse for me?”
The fanciest dressed of the three men laughed. “Well,” he said, “looks like we’re shy one horse.”
Fast-Track Jones shook his head, and blew out the smoke. He said, “You brought two too many.”
That was the last words the three conservation lawyers ever heard. Three gunshots rang out over the empty land.
Fast-Track Jones holstered his pistols, and narrowed his eyes. Now the only sound was the creak of the windmill. Fast-Track Jones took the largest of the horses, and rode it back into its carriage. Then he found a seat in the dining car, and ordered hot coffee and a T-bone steak.
The conductor blew his whistle. The 3:10 to Blackball was on its way.
TUESDAY
Fast-Track Jones spent valuable time on his journey in talks with mining barons. They represented potash in Otago. They represented heavy mineral sands in the waters off the Bay of Plenty. They represented antimony and gold in Reefton. They represented lithium in Northland. They represented hydrogen, and vanadium, and titanium all across the empty lands of the frontier.
“You boys look like you’ve come a long way,” he said to barons at his final meeting.
“We’re from the Chatham Islands.”
“What do you represent?”
“Rare earth and phosphate mining.”
“Well, hell,” he said. “That sounds mighty fine. Take a seat.”
WEDNESDAY
Fast-Track Jones slept. He dreamed of terrible things that moved in the depths of the empty lands that the train passed through. He talked in his sleep, quoting from Leviticus: “Every creeping thing that creeps on the earth shall be an abomination! Whatever crawls on its belly, whatever goes on all fours, or whatever has many feet among all creeping things that creep on the earth—they are an abomination!”
Waking, he searched for literature on the endangered Archey’s frog, a vile thing that he vowed would soon creep its last in the empty lands.
THURSAY
The 3:10 to Blackball arrived at its destination. A large crowd had come to meet Fast-Track Jones.
He rode his horse onto the platform, and announced, “We need to use the endowments that we’ve been given, we need to profit from them and stop the catastrophisation that every time you put a shovel, a machine, a digger in the ground, that you’re destroying the sacredness of the earth mother. Because you’re not! You’re actually saving the earth! You’re protecting it – from itself!
“The earth doesn’t want potash or coal or gold or phosphates. The earth is saying, ‘Please, take them away. They’re a burden. They’re a dead weight.’ That’s why the earth is sinking. We need to lighten the load. Who’s with me?”
The crowd cheered, and waved shovels in the air. They agreed that the best way to save the planet was to extract its minerals.
FRIDAY
Fast-Track Jones crossed the sea back to Wellington, for more meetings with mining barons.
It was a long day. At home, he sunk back into his couch, and lit a cheroot. He blew smoke rings towards the ceiling for a while. He felt content, but so, so tired, too tired to walk to his bedroom. But all he wanted was the feel of fresh sheets and the warmth of an $1100 Hungarian Goose Down Four Seasons Duvet.
Fast-Track Jones decided to roll of the couch onto the floor, and crawl towards bed on his belly, a creeping thing that crept the earth in darkness, abominable.
Previous adventures in the Secret Diary series have starred the Prime Minister and the Minister of Police.
Great characterisation!